After I had Esmae, as much as it broke my heart I never wanted another child. Indie was never part of the plan. Don't get it twisted, I couldn't be more grateful that we were blessed with Indie, and I couldn't even think of a life without her now. But what I mean is that she wasn't a planned baby. I went through a significant amount of trauma when I had Esmae and never got any professional help to deal with that period of my life. In all honesty I drank, I drank a lot. Any chance I got I would be out supressing all those unwanted emotions and that's how I got through it. I didn't let my self think about what happened in that theatre room or infact the whole duration of being pregnant and just after. I blurred it all out. I do actually sometimes wonder what my life would of been life if I had got some help and learned to work through those feelings properly, but I didn't so I guess there's no reason to look back on things that we can't change unless we are learning from them.
Post partum *trigger warning*
Want to read more?
Subscribe to justcarrieon.co.uk to keep reading this exclusive post.